Tension

I just put Eva down to bed. Said our prayers. Said goodbye. Said I love you a hundred times.

I'm leaving for Haiti in a couple of hours.

The past week has been really tough. When Eva's heart condition returned and we found ourselves back in the ER again, it felt like everything had gotten tipped upside down. I felt disoriented, confused, frustrated and tired. Corrie and I then had hectic weeks that kept us preoccupied, so we haven't really sunk into this new reality with Eva, probably still in shock and denial about it all.

Yesterday, I found myself hosting a seminar speaker at a conference our church was putting on. Sitting on the floor in a packed out room, God began to speak. Talking about desire, spiritual growth, disappointment, grief and loss, I found myself confronted with all the questions and feelings I had been avoiding all week.

What do I desire for Eva?
Am I able to live within the disappointment of these unmet desires?
Have I truly surrendered these desires to God? Have I grieved?

Listening to your daughter's racing heart is unbearable. Watching her cry for help in the emergency room is heart wrenching. Why the pain? Why the sorrow?

Yesterday I learned that it is within the great tensions of life that God most truly reveals Himself and invites us to grow with Him. Life and death. Joy and sorrow. Abundance and scarcity. God hasn't abandoned me, my family or my little girl. He grieves with us. Hurts with us. Laughs with us.

Though there is still much to process, I find myself leaving for another adventure and entering into a foreign place filled with despair, sorrow and loss. What does God have in store for me in Haiti? What does He have in store for my church? What does He have in store for you?

I have an odd job. One that finds me on the college campuses of San Diego and flying to the earthquake ravaged city of Port au Prince. There is so much pain in the world. So much hurt. Yet as I laid my little girl down to sleep and she reached up her little head to give me one final kiss, I am reminded that there is so much beauty. So much joy.

Life is full of confusing tensions, and I hope that I can continue to walk the meandering and difficult road within all of them. Please pray for me and my team while we are away. Pray that God would give us a vision for how our church can best serve the Haitian people ... and while you're at it, send some love Corrie's way :) She's just a phone call or email away. I'll be home on Tuesday, March 16th.

Au revoir!